na wè

Haiti.

I've made two journeys to this country. the second time I traveled, this past July, I learned a lot more than my trip back in 2013. part of it could be that I had familiar people with me and part of it could be that I was too young to understand what I understand now. either way, it has taken me quite some time to process all of it (I'm still in awe.) and i would like to share with you some of my observations and some of the lovely human beings I met. 

cultural observations:

things are so worn down and dirty, yet so colorful and beautiful and full of life 

anyone who can afford to purchase/is lucky enough to find a siren can place it on their vehicle

people live on the streets because they are afraid of what they have/don't have to go home to

a woman with a shoe business, but doesn't have any on her own feet

the smell of burnt trash

so much dirt that you can't see clearly out the windows when going very fast

a male riding in the back of a garbage truck sleeping

little girls jump roping

a majority of drivers are male

a branch in the road means a broken down vehicle is ahead

soda bottle fences

filling old gas cans at wells for drinking water

scripture on buildings, cars, buses, etc. 

when passing by Haitians, they all looked so worn down and a simple wave or smile first changed that.

personal observations/things learned:

it is so important to love on others with no limits and no expectations 

it's so important to listen to others with the intent to understand 

showing others you care about them looks very different depending on age, sex, culture, person. and that just because it's not the same way you would show you care, doesn't mean it didn't take every ounce of energy or courage for them to show you

people put pride in parts of them that need loving the most

if you give someone the option to love, they will

silence isn't always bad or awkward

we may speak different languages but God listens and understands us when we call on Jesus 

you can fall in love with every person you meet

showing love to others is just as important as the hard physical labor 

emotional exhaustion wears you out faster than physical 

letting your guard down and allowing discomfort in is the easiest way to realize the reality of the life you're living

the truth will always reveal itself

count it all as joy

i once was lost,

I once had a home situation where as a child, I played the role of an adult.
I once had a group of friends that thrived off of pointing out my flaws.
I once had a therapist that told me my problems were too much for him and that if I didn't hurry up and find some friends - I wouldn't make it through high school.
I once relied so heavily on relationships and how people thought of me, I changed who I was to fit their idea of perfection. 
I found myself questioning everything in my life.
I once was lost,

There are moments in our lives where confusion consumes our entire being. "Why is this happening?" "Why do I feel this way?" "Why me?" The questioning is constant. I once had a mind full of confusion. I didn't know who I was. I didn't know my purpose. I didn't know about the unconditional love and support that was waiting for me. I didn't know about Jesus.

We find ourselves questioning the things in our life and being filled with stress and confusion when we're being entertained by this world. We are in a constant war with ourselves and those around us. This battle brings pain, doubt, grief and discomfort in our lives. But, once you decide to live your life following Him, these emotions and pain disappears. Following Jesus and choosing to live your life differently is more than going to church and reading your bible once a week. It takes effort, it can be hurtful and you have to be willing to give up the world. You have to put your trust in Jesus and realize that the things you stressed over, the things you tried to fix, the pain you felt can only be restored by Him. I promise there's nothing else like the peace you feel afterwards.

My biggest struggle through my walk was going all in - letting go of what I thought I needed to be in control of. It's a big step, but you can't be half in. You can't pick out your favorite bible verses and only preach those because that's not the truth. You can't expect a new life if you don't hold up your end of the relationship. You have to pray, repent, stay true to the truth and trust Jesus. He will work with us according to our words and deeds. Once you accept Jesus into your heart, your life is bound to change forever.

Romans 8:18 - For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

I now have so many people playing the parent role in my life, at 19 I feel like a child. (AND IT'S SO MUCH FUN)
I have friends that love me for me.
I graduated high school and am headed into my second year of college.
I no longer go to therapy and question why I believed so deeply what my therapists had to say.
I have let go of the things that have happened to me and refuse to let a single person in this world define how I feel about myself.
...but now I'm found.

Get back up.

There are over 50,000 cases a year.
53% of adults have reported this a family issue in their lives.
40% of teens are involved.  
23.6 million people are receiving treatment.
40-60% of people relapse after recovery.
It affects everyone involved. 100% of the time.


I was first exposed to addiction when I was in the 1st grade. I learned the depths of and how to prevent the treacherous path in 5th grade. I even wrote a paper about it, and had the opportunity to present it to my entire elementary school. You could say I was proud of myself. Proud of myself to realize that addiction is a reoccurring problem in not only my life, but those around me and that it was a message that needed to be heard.

Addiction became an overwhelming reality for me the summer of 2009. Right before the start of middle school. I battled a never ending fight with a situation I absolutely dreaded, instead of observing an addiction - gaining one of my own. Studies show that an addictive personality has a greater likelihood of occurring if it's being passed down from a parent or elder in the family, which in my situation - was true. Addiction crept it's way back into my life in the 9th grade when I read the book, It Will Never Happen To Me and was faced with the reality of my childhood. I sat in hours of therapy, trying to cope with not my own addiction, but my mother's with alcohol. Addiction affects everyone involved. 100% of the time. 

53% of adults have reported alcohol addiction an issue in their everyday lives. Addiction consumes you. It is easy to feel shameful or denial about what is happening in your life. Shame and denial have a funny way of creeping into the back of your mind, repeatedly telling you what is happening is not worthy of telling. It's not worthy of being a real problem. That addiction isn't happening to you. "It's just a habit." "I'm just having a good time." "I'm not addicted, I can stop at any given moment." This mindset creates a fuel for a cycle of addiction. Only 53% of adults report, so what is the comparative percent of those involved if there are over 50,000 cases a year in alcohol addiction alone?  53% of 50,000 is 26,500 people. Only 26,500 cases reported out of 50,000. That leaves 23,500 adults are struggling, in denial, feeling shame, or alone. 

Admitting you have a problem, no matter the addiction, is the first step (sounds cliche, doesn't it?). Recovery from your situation can seem never ending, like a battle that just won't let up. The cravings come back and it becomes more difficult to fight them at times. You even have moments of weakness where you relapse and delay the progress of your recovery process. And that's okay. Relapsing does NOT make recovery impossible. Relapsing does not mean failure. Out of the 23.6 million people receiving treatment for their addictions, 40-60% of them relapse.

"But even on my worst days in recovery, I am worlds away from my best days in my illness."

Substance abuse isn't the only type of addiction. 40% of teens are involved in addiction that is abuse. Not of substances, but themselves. This may be self harm, self hating, self shaming, feelings of unworthiness, hair pulling, eating disorders, etc. Self-injury is an addiction. 8 years of my life were consumed by the dark parts of my life I refused to face. 8 years of my life were consumed by addiction. To this day, I am still fighting for complete recovery. The most important thing to realize in this fight, what puts you so far ahead of your addiction, is that we are all human. We love, we hurt, we make mistakes, but that doesn't change the fact that although we may struggle - Recovery is real and possible. 

Addiction can become a serious illness. Addiction is learning to love the pain you're put through. Addiction is denial. Addiction is blaming those around you for the situation you put yourself in. Addiction is hurting others to fufill your cravings. Addiction is refusing to face the dark parts of your life. Addiction is isolation. Addiction is putting yourself, drugs, alcohol, pain, before those who love you. Addiction comes with feelings of shame. Addiction is different through all sorts of feelings, situations, and people. 

Addiction is real. Recovery is real. Love is real. Hope is real. God is real.
There are many ways to recover, to find love within yourself and those around you, to find hope in your future - regardless of your past, and to find your Faith and live out the Plan He has made just for you. It is possible.

If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction - no matter the type. Help is here. And it is okay to ask for it. 

Top Recovery Centers
What is Recovery?
Self Harm Website and Online Chat
Crisis Text Line (for all situations)
Help Resources by TWLOHA
Help Resources in Syracuse Area
Relatable Stories to Understand You're Not Alone
Addiction Helpline: 1-888-641-4794 (24/7 availability)
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 (24/7 availability)


Addiction is not something we should feel shame about. We are human beings and we make mistakes. We are not made to be strong 100% of the time. There are going to be moments when you fall down and getting back up just seems impossible. There will be days where you can hardly summon the strength to get out of bed. There will be days when your addiction consumes every single hour of your day. But we are created to learn, to gain strength through our difficulties and to carry on. It is okay. Better days are coming for you and I.





Thank you for everyone who has been there for me through my struggles, my fight and my recovery. Facing the dark parts of my life and living through His plan and to find love within myself has been quite the journey. The support is greatly appreciated and helps me remember that recovery is a process, not an event and it is okay if I fall down, I just have to get back up.

FFA Retiring Address

Pick me.  Choose me.  Love me.  These are the timeless words of the greatest love story ever told.  No, not Romeo & Juliet.  Not Anthony and Cleopatra.  Not even Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. I’m talking Meredith Grey and Derek Shephard, the two brilliant surgeons of Grey’s Anatomy fame.  Their love was star-crossed from the start, but every Thursday millions tuned in for cutting-edge medicine and the latest updates in the stories of dark and twisty Meredith and haunted and beautiful  McDreamy.  Their lives aren’t perfect, but they sure are fascinating – and no matter what bad things happen to them (or, let’s be honest, because of them) I can’t help but want them to be okay – for everything to work out for them in the end.

Now, rumor has it that Grey’s Anatomy is a fictional story about fictional people, but I still have it permanently on my Netflix queue.  I’m a couple weeks behind on it with all of the State Convention prep – so don’t ruin anything for me – but I still want to believe that everything will work out okay in the end.  On Grey’s Anatomy, the doctors in that hospital have overcome a plane crash, a ferry boat crash, almost drowning, being electrocuted, having a leg amputated, a crazy gunman, and something called Code Black.  That doesn’t even get into the emotional trauma of it all – they’ve lost friends, failed at relationships, had major parent and family issues, failed major exams and almost lost their jobs – and they’ve survived all of these things.   On Grey’s Anatomy, not every moment is happy – in 
fact it’s probably a little disproportionately unhappy compared to real life – but the show doesn’t hide the tough parts of life at Grey-Sloan Memorial hospital.  You know why?  With the tough stuff hidden, you have no idea about the depth or the truth of the story.

In entertainment, we love drama.  Bring on the scandal, the mystery, the terror, the heartbreak.  We love it because, in our much less cinematic way, we experience those moments in our daily lives.  In our daily lives, however, there is one key difference:  we have a tendency to downplay or completely hide the hard moments we experience.  It’s almost as if we believe our value as people is somehow related to how good the other stuff in our life is.  Do we have a happy family?  Do we live in a good house?  Are our grades awesome?  Do we accomplish our goals?  All of those things are good things – but none of those things are at all related to our value as people.  Our value doesn’t change, no matter what our circumstances are – and so our job isn’t to repackage our lives so they appear better, or to believe the circumstances of our lives as our destiny.  Our job is to deal with the tough stuff honestly and to never stop believing that we have a positive future.

Every part of our lives have shaped us into who we are today. Throughout my life, I’ve definitely had some moments that weren’t picture perfect. I didn’t grow up in what most people would call a traditional family – and for a long time, I really struggled with who I was because of that. Growing up, my parents were never together. I didn’t even meet my dad until I was in the 6th grade. He showed up at a school basketball game and when I realized he was going to be there, I locked myself in a girls bathroom because I knew he couldn’t go in there.  That same year, my twin brother’s autism became too much for our family to handle and he had to be moved out of our house and into a Liberty Home which is a home where people with really significant needs can get the care they need. I moved in with my grandmother because I couldn’t stay with my mother… all of this in the first year of middle school.  I’m not saying this for you to feel sorry for me – you shouldn’t at all.  The reason I share all this is because for a long time I felt ashamed about things in my life that didn’t seem “picture perfect.”  I struggled at school, at home and even with friendships because I let the unfortunate parts of my life CONSUME who I was.  When people would tell me things were going to get better, I really struggled to accept that.  I thought that they couldn’t know what they were talking about – they hadn’t been through it.  

In Grey’s they talk about how Meredith is dark and twisty.  She’s got this past with a whole lot of drama.  Her family, her decisions – they haunt her.  They influence every choice she makes and affect her relationships and her outlook on life.  It’s not easy to deal honestly with the tough things that happen in our lives, but it’s important.  Have you ever met someone who is dark and twisty? They’re someone who constantly complains or obsesses over every negative part of their life.  They magnify their presence with their focus.  They turn challenges, or losses, or tragedies into black holes.  Just like middle school me, the tough stuff consumes them.  The black hole is all we can think about. It has a gravity of its own and when something doesn’t go our way, we think ‘of course. Because we have a black hole.’  We carry it around with us and collect failures, wrongs and unlucky moments to reinforce this completely messed up idea that bad is all we are capable of. When we live in the dark, dark will consume all that we are. Things can get better if you want them to – it starts with letting go of the bad things that have happened to you or the bad things you’ve been responsible for. Let yourself move forward to a brighter future.  We are not what has happened to us, we are whoever we decide to be. And the best part about that is, it's never too late to decide.

There’s an organization I really believe in called To Write Love On Her Arms and they recently shared this quote:  “The world I believe in is one where embracing your light doesn’t mean ignoring your dark.”  To Write Love on Her Arms focuses on finding hope and recovery for people who are struggling – on reminding them that even though there are tough truths about their life that they are still worthy of – and capable of – a better future.  Our obstacles do not prevent us from achieving greatness.  The challenges we have experienced can and should motivate us to become more successful.   

Albert Einstein didn’t speak a word until he was 4 years old. Jim Carrey used to be homeless. Oprah Winfrey grew up in poverty and was a teenaged mother whose baby died. Actress Charlize Theron watched her mother kill her father in an act of self-defense. These people all had something major happen in their lives that might have made people think they didn’t have much of a future. But they weren’t limited because they’d encountered something awful.  Instead, what they went through gave them the courage to believe that they had a choice to make the most of their futures. And we have that same choice. 

As FFA members, we have an unshakable faith in the future of agriculture. We are the faces of the future - we are told we are the generation that can do it all. We advocate that the past of agriculture simply will not be the future of agriculture and that this industry is forever changing. But isn’t that the same situation with who we are? We are forever changing, therefore it is impossible for our future to be the same as our past. We get to create our own future and who we become.

Maybe you aren't from an agricultural background, but that doesn't mean you won’t have a career in agriculture. And maybe no matter how hard you tried to stay awake and be engaged in global history class you just couldn't, that doesn’t mean you won't fall in love with traveling the world. Or maybe you feel that no matter how hard you study, you will never pass your final at the end of the year - but keep working, because you can. Creating a bright future can start with something as simple as forgiving someone for something they’ve done or not shaping who we are based upon the approval of others.  The actions we take toward our future may be small ones that take great courage or boring 
things that take great discipline – but we all can be brave and have courage, no matter how different our stories might be. But the hard part often is having discipline and MAKING our lives better. We have that ability. There’s nothing about your past or present that means you can’t make your future great. 

The truth is, once we realize that embracing our light doesn’t mean ignoring our dark, we are almost invincible.  We don’t have to carry around black holes with us and can survive tough situations because we can DEAL with them instead of collecting them. We can look objectively at the situations we find ourselves in and realize that it is OUR choice to make the most out of our futures regardless of where we’ve been.  No matter who you will be, or where you end up - you should NEVER let shame sideline what you could make of your life. Your past has given you the strength and courage you have today, so why not celebrate it?

Now, there’s a reason why people love Grey’s Anatomy even when they hate it.  We know that even when something horrific happens – a plane crashes, a husband is killed in a car accident – the story still continues.  If I’ve learned anything at all it’s that there is more coming for all of us and that’s not just fiction.  The greatest love story ever told may NOT be Meredith and  Derek – but it can inspire us to live our lives differently.  Pick me, choose me, love me.  When times are dark and twisty, and when life is genuinely hard – because it sometimes will be – it’s our decision what to focus on and what to 
love.  Remember to love yourself.  You and your future are worth it.